You never know when these tips will come in handy!

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat. The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the darn thing in the first
place.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Always pooh at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.